Today's word is Broken.
I feel broken. I really do. I make the same mistakes over again and wonder what's wrong with me.
Why do I ALWAYS spend too much money?
Because I like the idea of things, how they work, what they're for, how pretty they are. Even when I'm trying my very hardest to only get what I absolutely actually need and will use... I get too much. Ask me how many things I've bought and then returned the next day or the next week. I couldn't tell ya. Way too many. Thank God we CAN often return things.
Why do I feel perfectly fine one day, thinking I can climb a mountain or do any job well, and then the next day I have one of the horrible stomach aches and can barely even stand up long enough to take a shower or warm up some food in the microwave?
I've gotten these aches basically my whole life. The earliest one I remember was at seven years old. Docs can't figure it out, just shoving medicine at me and then saying, if that doesn't work, come back in two weeks and we'll try a different one. It's not my fault. But it sure does make me feel broken. And it certainly makes me feel terrible when I can't keep a job, can't bring in income, can't help by even doing the dishes and other things around the house.
Why do I get so overly excited about things that I put so much time, money, and effort into and eventually fall farther back down because of it?
Why can't I take cautious steps, figuring out what I CAN and SHOULD do before trying to do everything and then crashing and burning? I go all out with whatever home business I'm trying, buying business cards and signs and all kinds of products and supplies, without even knowing if I'll be any good at it or if anything will come of it. I sign up for this and that and make appointments here and there, then I get overwhelmed by all the things I have to do and places that I have to be and I end up missing everything or being so exhausted that I make myself sick and despise the things which I was previously so excited about.
Yeah. I feel broken. I have no clue what to do about it, other than take it to God and ask Him to fix me or use me anyway.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. Psalm 51:17 NIV
Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice. Psalm 51:16-17 The Message
To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken had not shattered me.
If I was unbroken, I'd never know
the beauty of hope and how far grace will go.
- Unbroken by ZOEgirl lyrics
Thanks for reading. I'm sure you figured out that that took me more than five minutes to write. Today, we're linking up on Lisa-Jo Baker's Facebook page, so click on over and read other posts on Broken. Plus, you can go to her blog to find out more about what Five Minute Friday is and how you can be a part of it! Just click on the button below.